dear diary #5: death.
8.5.26
embrace the inevitable. embrace the wheel of time. like a snake, shed. your. skin.
dear diary,
The other night as I laid my head to sleep, I rubbed my feet together like a cricket, basking in the feeling of the silk sheets on my skin, thick darkness like cotton batting all around me. Mmmm. back when i had Hinge i included this little tidbit about me as a voice memo. I like to think it worked. at that time i also smoked cigs like a train, bleached and cut my hair senseless, and had sex every night under a scorpio moon. that kind of moonlight smelled of patchouli and tobacco. i don’t remember if i was actually happy or incandescent… id get drunk just to send risky texts and cuss out my friends. bad dog. you bite and bite but never lick.
When I look into the mirror, someone actually stares back. She knows my soul. She's learning her mind. She's a woman with a forest inside her, trees lush with flowers that fall wistfully to the ground. She sticks them behind her ears now. long black hair adorns my shoulders, a sign of my longevity. a sign of my transmutation. eyebrows no longer bleached. face no longer erased by aesthetics. If hair is always dead, why does mine keep growing? I can be anything that I wanna be.
how quickly time flies. It's the year of the horse. Can we all keep running from it? Can we outrun the inevitable change this far into 2026? Will I still miss all the friends i’ve lost? Will I keep writing?
Change seems to be a theme of this blog, and yet i can never keep up with it. Is it the sharing parts of my soul with you all I cannot fully come to terms with? Or is it that i am simply not cut out for this sort of thing? Is it neither? Although, for the first time in my life, i’ve put myself at the center of it all. No more catering to the outside world, and molding myself into the woman i think everyone needs me to be. I will be who I am in my own form all of the time.
So here I am. Hi. I’m going to try, at all of it. If I dare to fail this year, if I dare to be ugly, can I be reborn again?
