the episode where Glenn dies

I knew it was going to happen, and that was the worst part.

There are certain moments in life we can divide into these two very clean categories. Before it happened. After it happened. 

Season 7, episode 1. I sort of just cruised through these seasons, watching person after person lose a losing battle. Feels oddly familiar. But this was different. I sit here in my bed, the safest place I know, and watch television that terrifies me because I like it. Isn't that twisted?

I saw this episode for the first time as a child, and I cried. I cried my eyes out. Negan’s cruelty. Glenn’s face. Maggie. Abraham. I knew it was all going to happen but nothing could have prepared me. Maybe knowing actually doesn't prepare you for anything. Think of all the things you knew were going to happen before they did. You can recognize the signs and still act surprised when the thing finally arrives.

The After.

There are things we know are coming. Things we can feel changing before they actually change. We notice the little things, make mental notes, tell ourselves we'll deal with it when we have to. Then out of fucking nowhere you have to. 

There isn't always some giant cinematic rupture. Sometimes it's a phone call. Sometimes it's a conversation. Sometimes it's just a Friday that ends differently than you thought it would! And afterward, you're left trying to figure out when exactly your life stopped being what it was before.

Glenn & Abraham’s death is the worst thing to rewatch in modern drama TV history… Next to the diner scene in HBO’s Girls. It was a rewatch and it still felt like someone had pulled the floor out from underneath me. Which is probably the closest television gets to telling the truth about life. There's so many moments in this series that evoke this feeling. And still… 

You can know.

You can prepare.

You can see it coming.

And it can still change everything.

“Maggie. I'll find you.”