to living the dream…

I'm living alone these days, in an apartment much too big for me, much too bright, and much too exciting. The endless possibilities are overwhelming. How lucky am I? 

Sounds like a dream because it is. 

This new era, maybe someone else can relate; it feels like it doesn’t fully belong to me, even though I'm responsible for every step I've taken to get here. I see myself passing by in mirrors and store windows, and I don't recognize her. Or is that a good thing? Am I morphing into something more? Is it my innate human nature to reject eras of change? Or do I just have a loose grip on reality and my priorities? Do any of us have a tighter one?

Change, real change, is both amazing and terrifying. It's given me a lot of emotions to work through and with. I don't want to be some product of my environment, but I think, as people, we usually are. I rent a nice home, I live sort of comfortably, and I'm never really in need, god-willing. But even then, I still have this insatiable quality to me. Is it my age, my body, my mind? That's what I’m trying to figure out. 

Have you ever met a catalyst for change? Like a person? Have you ever met someone who made you think, Wow, I really need to get more passionate and more understanding of my experience as a woman… I have. A lovely, down-to-earth woman in her mid-40s. She's got it all: the designer clothing & shoes, a decorated career as a Hair Stylist, and a long list of stories to share. She is truly one of a kind. We’ve sat for hours just exchanging words, conversations turned into glasses of wine, and talk of what's been eating at us lately. She believes in my work, and she's known many successful writers. She saw my passion even when I didn't display it, and I saw hers. 

Someone who barely knew me, who, only after a few cocktails and a bit of tête-à-tête, could understand what it was I wanted out of life, and I could see through her what was possible in mine.

The next time I lay my head down to dream, instead of conjuring up scenarios that never existed, I'll marry the reality that is. Maybe change is inevitable, good or bad, and there is no use in trying to reject what's meant for you. Moving forward, in this home, in this next stage of my life, I'm going to learn to embrace the discomfort of change and make a real effort in molding myself into the kind of woman, friend, and writer I want to be. But if there is anything certain, that is a constant in these kinds of transitions, it is that the change we so crave resides within ourselves. 

zoe